July 4
This week has unquestionably been the hardest of the entire hike. I have spent my week working at home on the yard and house. My mother has needed a great deal of love and care, and it has been good to be here for her. She has just completed radiation treatments for cancer, and is living each day in a great deal of pain. Add to that the loss of her life mate of over 70 years. I am grateful for the time near her once again.
The conflict arises from inside and is difficult to describe. I feel very disconnected and without direction here at home. I dream of hiking almost every night. I struggle with all the "things" that surround me in my home. I feel uncomfortable walking around the stores in town. For several months my whole world has been strapped upon my back. My goals each day have been measured in elevation changes and miles traveled. My major concerns have been rationing food, locating water, and finding shelter. The rewards and successes of each day can be measured, logged, and reported.
At home, everything just happens. Days go by and you do what you can, with the hope that you will add more later. Nothing seems to have a beginning or an end. I feel caught between two worlds, not settled back into the one around me, and not able to get back to the one I'm longing for.
Someone reminded me this week that I am only experiencing what we all should be aware of. The things around us that tend to control and overwhelm us are not the really important things in the true run of our lives. If we are not careful, however, they can and will take control of us and dominate our lives. How sad to think that we can so easily settle for less than the best, while all the time thinking we are pursuing the good things of life. Paul, in the Bible talks about seeing all the snares of life as garbage that needs to be left behind in order to press on to the higher and better journey. I hope I find the eyes and wisdom to learn to tell the difference between the garbage to dispose of and the real treasures to pursue.
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